I put "hot" in quotes because she is not hot. She is big, very big, and she *thinks* she's hot. Trust me, sweetheart. None of us want to see you in short shorts and a tank top. There's a weight limit for those kinds of things for a reason. If your legs look like two fresh tubes of toothpaste (cap included) when wearing those things, you are not the targeted demographic. Put your sweatpants and hoodies back on so the rest of us can regain our appetites. I'm not being mean, I'm being considerate. I'm a big guy, but I don't go around dressed like a male stripper. I dress like a big guy. So please, dress your age, and dress your weight. And guys, the tight jeans belong on one gender and one gender alone. Here's a hint, it's not you.
2. The coffee guy
It's always a guy, and he's always a piece of sh*t. You know the type. Every day, without fail, he shows up at least 15 minutes late with a coffee and danish in hand from the friendly neighborhood Stardicks. I call it Stardicks because Stardouches doesn't have as nice a ring to it. This is the guy to whom grades don't matter because he has
3. Generic douchebags
The coffee guy is actually a part of this category, but he still deserved his own section. The generic douchebag is characterized by non-prescription glasses, t-shirts sporting "ironic" statements, a scarf, and a fake fedora. Let's examine this specimen. First, the glasses. Let me state the fact that these people are all about "irony" (in quotes, because most of them wouldn't know irony if it shot them in the ass with a pistol that actually heals you). They don't need glasses, but they bought some from a dollar store anyway. See? Irony! Oh how witty.
Next, the t-shirt with phrases like "Ironic hipster shirt." Which translates to "I'm too retarded to think up something witty, so I'll just say 'something witty.'" Irony!
Oh, you thought I was kidding?
Finally, the fake fedora. This is an example of something formerly awesome being douchebaggenated. Remember watching those old classic movies with Humphrey Bogart or listening to some Frank Sinatra? Back in the days of doo-wop and stupid families (see; Leave it to Beaver), people who wore fedoras were respected and cool. It stayed that way for many decades. Then Michael Jackson came along. He made good music and looked good doing it, but his signature hat marked the downfall of the fedora. Since then, it just kept getting worse. The fedora transformed from a solid piece of headgear into a flimsy, weak statement of just how much you want people to hate you.
4. The rock star
The earbuds never leave the ears. The head never stops bobbing. The mouth never shuts the **** up. Even as I'm writing this, there is a rock star across from me. They have somehow gotten it into their spiky heads that people actually want to hear the whiny emo kid garbage they call music. I'll describe the one in front of me. Don't worry, he won't get mad or anything. Why would he bother noticing me? I'm not important. I'm not him. So he sits there, seemingly trying to write a paper. Now a normal person would be writing, concentrating on the paper. But no, this gem of modern society can't keep his head still enough to write anything, so he just sits there, pretending to read a blank page, moving his hands around as if he's trying to do a karate chop but keeps forgetting how just as he begins. Then comes the singing. The wretched, tone deaf, not-even-good-enough-for-American-Idol singing that sounds to this bundle of talent like Sarah Brightman at Carnegie Hall, but sounds to everyone else like Danny DeVito eating a diseased howler monkey. Get over yourself. You're not talented, you never will be. Now go back to your job as a Cheesecake Factory busboy and cry about it.
5. The mom
Contrary to the title, the mom can be of either gender. The mom is the way too nice and way too talkative person you see in every class. They talk to the professor on the first day as if they're best friends even though they've never met. They have to interject a story of something they, their kids, or their kids' kids did into every discussion, no matter how little it has to do with the subject matter (spoiler alert: NONE). They will also lengthen the class as much as they can with their stories and their unending questions. When there's a mom in the class, the last words you want to hear from the professor are "Any questions before we wrap it up for today?" To a mom, those words translate to "Ask me about something that doesn't matter." Besides all that, they're just way too nice. So you can't hate them. Well, I can. But someone with a soul can't.
6. The lurker
Sorry, you know I had to.
You're sitting in the lobby, lounge, or whatever. You have your laptop or your ipod with you and your headphones in. The room is full of other people like you, just enjoying the quiet relaxation between classes. All of a sudden, out of the corner of your eye, you see someone. That's fine. Then you notice they look lost. Not fine. Statistics say that this lost soul will 11 times out of 10 come straight to you, even though you're the only one in the room with headphones, and just stare at you until you acknowledge their pathetic existence and answer their idiotic questions about if they're in the right building (100% of the time, the will be in the wrong building. 75% of the time, the right building is in another state.)
And no, you can't just ignore them. They will never go away. But never fear, I'm here to help. First off, before you settle in to your spot, look for a door that looks like it leads somewhere. Memorize which direction it's in. Then, when some social reject comes anywhere near you to ask directions (if you're at Cleveland State, you'll know when you see them, because they're always either Indian, old, or both. That's not profiling or prejudiced, that's cold hard fact) just point in that direction without even looking up. They'll assume that they weren't the first person to ask you, so they'll believe you and go away immediately. Works every time. Have fun walking through that construction site you worm.
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