Now, I will list off a bunch of people that need to get castrated with a weed whacker.
Tony - You aren't funny. You're fucking annoying. Just because you're always high and sound like Ray Romano on helium doesn't mean everything you say is comedy gold. And you assholes and cunts who encourage him by laughing, you're just making it worse.
Brian - Explain to me why people flock to you and act like you're a celebrity. Go on, I'll wait. ...Nothing? That's what I thought, asshole. You had minor surgery and then treated it like you have fucking cancer. Yeah, I know I'm basically speaking blasphemy by saying bad things about almighty Brian. Please forgive me my prince. Then go fuck yourself.
Other Brian - I haven't seen you around in a long time. Good. I hope you're dead.
A.S. - Stop encouraging Tony. You're just as bad as he is.
Mark - If I say something funny, it loses all its humor when you repeat it verbatim 3 seconds later. If you can't get attention that way, here's a good way to get some. Kill yourself.
Derek - If you don't want to be seen as a douchebag, stop acting and dressing like a douchebag. You're a brainless jock, your girlfriend's a slut, and nobody actually likes you.
Shaun - Your brother sucks at playing bass. He can't read music and refuses to learn anything new unless he writes it himself. If not for him, I'd have written tons more songs for the band. But I have to dumb down everything I write just so he can handle it. Stop defending him. If anything, you should slap the bitch until he learns how to do something useful. Also, you're a drummer. You don't know shit about music theory. So stop pretending you're always right in arguments about music.
Guy who just ran by like a retarded monkey - Take off your fedora. No, you're not cool for wearing it. Every hipster on the planet wears one. You're not being original. You don't stand out. Stop looking around at everyone you prance by expecting a reaction.
Other Tony - You're not witty. You're just as annoying as Tony 1. Mindlessly quoting everything you see on the internet does not comedy make. And stop trying to make your own catchphrase. Yelling "yeah!" in the most annoying way possible is as much a catchphrase as Rebecca Black is a singer.
You fucking religious people - You're not going to convert anyone. Nobody wants to hear on Facebook how god helped you find your socks that morning. If god really was all loving, powerful, and merciful, he'd have shut you nut jobs up long ago. Just shut up and go chant by yourself. Plus your music is ruining good music everywhere. There's already separation of church and state. Now I think we should have separation of church and music.
Brent - You're the reason why being "famous" pretty much doesn't mean anything anymore. You're obnoxious, pretentious, and untalented (which pretty much makes you 100% qualified to be popular these days). Your fans are possibly even worse, quoting your unfunny drivel mindlessly in hope to be seen as funny by other mindless idiots. People like you are making actual talent less and less relevant.
Anyone who posts song lyrics as your status on Facebook - Fuck you. You know why. You're not deep. You're an attention whore. I'm an attention whore, but at least I'm open about it. I don't mask it with a status saying something about pain, love, and how I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end it doesn't even matter.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Tompkins made a swear!
When did people universally decide not to mature in the slightest between 1st grade and their senior year of college? Trying to stay "young" as long as you can is one thing, but never growing out of the petty behaviors of preschool students is completely different.
Case in point, I just got a call from the professor in charge of the university orchestra, of which I am a part. I play the trumpet, and as such sit in the back, surrounded by woodwinds. Apparently, a couple of these oh so pleasant individuals decided my very existence is offensive to them, and complained to the professor that I "talk smack" during rehearsals. First of all, I don't "talk smack." I don't even know what that means, but whatever it is, I don't do it. If anything, I sometimes make humorous comments to the other trumpet player(s), but I whisper while doing it. The people complaining would have to try pretty damn hard just to hear me. I'm not talking any louder than anyone else, and there are a lot of people talking during rehearsal. So why am I targeted? Does my face offend you? Second, why are you going to the professor with this? Was the principal not available? Is it really so hard to confront someone that you have to resort to the "Mr. Teacher, little Danny said a bad word!" tactic? What, were you afraid I'd say a bad swear if you talked to me about it? (I probably would) I don't understand it. The human race is just chock full of complete morons. And people wonder why I prefer to be alone.
Case in point, I just got a call from the professor in charge of the university orchestra, of which I am a part. I play the trumpet, and as such sit in the back, surrounded by woodwinds. Apparently, a couple of these oh so pleasant individuals decided my very existence is offensive to them, and complained to the professor that I "talk smack" during rehearsals. First of all, I don't "talk smack." I don't even know what that means, but whatever it is, I don't do it. If anything, I sometimes make humorous comments to the other trumpet player(s), but I whisper while doing it. The people complaining would have to try pretty damn hard just to hear me. I'm not talking any louder than anyone else, and there are a lot of people talking during rehearsal. So why am I targeted? Does my face offend you? Second, why are you going to the professor with this? Was the principal not available? Is it really so hard to confront someone that you have to resort to the "Mr. Teacher, little Danny said a bad word!" tactic? What, were you afraid I'd say a bad swear if you talked to me about it? (I probably would) I don't understand it. The human race is just chock full of complete morons. And people wonder why I prefer to be alone.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Half-Assed Game Reviews: Lost Odyssey
Welcome to the first and most likely last edition of:
Half-Assed Game Reviews
I'm ConVito. Let's get started.
Today, I'll be reviewing the Xbox 360 game, "Lost Odyssey." Before we start, I never finished the game, and never plan to. We'll get to the reason later.
Lost Odyssey is about immortal people who like to bitch about being immortal while their immortal boss is all like "I'm more immortal than you, so I need to take over the world." So the good immortal people take a journey to stop their immortal boss from being an immortal boss.
Along the way, they meet several mortal people who aren't immortal. They suck, but you're still forced to use them in battle to make them feel needed. The only mortal you'll enjoy using is Jansen, the sarcastic wimp who is sent by the immortal boss to spy on them. He does this by being loud, stupid (funny though), and incompetent. The immortal people know the boss sent him but they let him stay anyway because he's the comic relief which is something they desperately need.
The other characters (that I've encountered) are:
Kaim, the immortal main character who somehow scored a hot immortal wife despite having less emotion and depth than a sparkly vampire. Looks do matter. He uses a sword.
Seth, the immortal other main character who's a girl. With a guy's name. You are given an explicit upskirt shot of her very early in the game as the designers' way of saying "There, beat you to it, you sick f*cks." She also uses a sword.
Ming, the immortal eye candy, and queen. Apparently, the more skin you show, the more royal you are. She's a fairly decent magic user.
Cooke, Kaim's granddaughter (remember, he's immortal, but she isn't. Sucks to be her.) and winner of the "Why are you wearing that, did you lose a bet?" award. Her brother, Mack, is runner up. Annoying, but nowhere near as much so as she could have been. I give props to the developers for that. She's a pretty crappy magic user.
Mack, Kaim's grandson. Also not immortal, and therefore sucky. He uses a sh*tty little disc thing in battle that might as well be a piece of fruitcake for all the good it'll do you. He's given a special kind of magic early on in order to try and trick you, the player, into thinking he might be useful. He isn't. The magic sucks.
Sarah, Kaim's wife, and apparently victor in the arm wrestling tournament before the game that determined who would get a normal name. She joins the party later on, and is a pretty good magic user. She at least gives you a reason to never use Cooke again.
Sed, Seth's son (looks around 80 while she still looks 18. Bet that was an awkward puberty) and winner of the "Why the f*ck didn't you join sooner?!" award. He's got some really good attack power and a kickass gun/axe weapon.
NOW THE SERIOUS STUFF:
Contrary to how I described it, it's actually got great writing and a wonderful story. But where it starts to fall flat is:
GAMEPLAY:
There are random battles. I'm convinced that the guy who programmed this into the game was about to be fired right before the game was finished so he used this as a final "screw all y'all!" to the devs and players. Monsters attack at seemingly random intervals, and it's quite a pain when you have a long way to walk. Luckily, there's a "run" button, or as I like to call it, the "I'm over here, monsters!" button, because you tend to attract more monsters when you run.
While we're on the subject of battles, let me bring up how much I hate them. It's pretty standard turn-based combat, not active time, which gives you all the time you need to choose your moves. Apparently the devs thought that would make it too easy, so they decided to make every enemy extremely cheap. Monsters will get several more turns than you, these little monkey bastards steal your items then run away, giving you no chance to get them back (and you need those items, I'll explain why in a bit), and they all do way too much damage. Plus, there's a level cap of sorts. You can only get up to a certain level in each part of the game. Once you get to that level, each battle gives you about 1xp, and you need 1000 to level up. The game is, of course, specifically designed to let you go up to a level where you do just enough and take just enough damage to make you think you have a chance at winning. You don't.
Still in battles, the biggest flaw has to be the way magic is implemented. The more powerful your spell is, the more time it needs to charge up. This is what I was referring to when I said that you need items. The lower level healing spells give you a lot less hp than what you're losing with each hit, and the higher level ones take too long to be worth casting, because you'll usually die waiting for it to charge (immortal my ass). I firmly believe that, in RPGs, magic or abilities should be handled by either an mp penalty or a time penalty. Never both. Items can be used instantaneously. Your only hope is to grind not for levels, but for money so you can afford as many healing potions as you can carry.
There is a world map, but it's pretty much the same as Final Fantasy X, only you get to use it right away. Though, I guess it's a blessing since I know there would just be more random battles if you got to walk around on the map. Seriously, no more random battles. Are you listening, game developers? Nobody likes them. Nobody. Not even the fanboys. It's not like the system's specs can't handle any more. It doesn't even have camera controls, that means there's less to render in each frame (I think. I'm no techie. I probably have no idea what I'm talking about. It just sounded smart to me.) I think you can put a few f*cking monsters on the g*ddamn screen.
EVERYTHING ELSE:
That all being said and done, it really is a beautiful game. Very detailed, great soundtrack (can't expect anything less from Uematsu), and superb voice acting for the most part. But that's all for aesthetic value really. A game can't hold up if it's all about looks and no depth. It would be like having a meaningful conversation with a cheerleader. Sure, you have something fun to look at, but when you start asking about feelings and she says she likes puppies, you just feel like you're missing something important. Lost Odyssey has plenty of depth. Unfortunately it's cheap as hell. This is especially evident during a certain boss battle against a general and 3 armored tanks. This is also the point where I stopped playing the game. I figure, if you're following a walkthrough of the battle perfectly and you still get your ass kicked in less than 3 turns, something's wrong.
FINAL VERDICT:
If you're patient, in the mood for a good story, and a glutton for punishment, this is your game. If you're like me and would prefer more depth and character development over challenge, I'd recommend:
Tales of Vesperia (360)
Tales of the Abyss (PS2)
The Final Fantasy Series
Anything by BioWare
(I'm not saying these games are easy, but they're definitely more forgiving. Plus most of them have difficulty settings, which I believe is a must in every game.)
Thanks for reading, maybe I'll see you next time.
Half-Assed Game Reviews
I'm ConVito. Let's get started.
Today, I'll be reviewing the Xbox 360 game, "Lost Odyssey." Before we start, I never finished the game, and never plan to. We'll get to the reason later.
Lost Odyssey is about immortal people who like to bitch about being immortal while their immortal boss is all like "I'm more immortal than you, so I need to take over the world." So the good immortal people take a journey to stop their immortal boss from being an immortal boss.
Along the way, they meet several mortal people who aren't immortal. They suck, but you're still forced to use them in battle to make them feel needed. The only mortal you'll enjoy using is Jansen, the sarcastic wimp who is sent by the immortal boss to spy on them. He does this by being loud, stupid (funny though), and incompetent. The immortal people know the boss sent him but they let him stay anyway because he's the comic relief which is something they desperately need.
The other characters (that I've encountered) are:
Kaim, the immortal main character who somehow scored a hot immortal wife despite having less emotion and depth than a sparkly vampire. Looks do matter. He uses a sword.
Seth, the immortal other main character who's a girl. With a guy's name. You are given an explicit upskirt shot of her very early in the game as the designers' way of saying "There, beat you to it, you sick f*cks." She also uses a sword.
Ming, the immortal eye candy, and queen. Apparently, the more skin you show, the more royal you are. She's a fairly decent magic user.
Cooke, Kaim's granddaughter (remember, he's immortal, but she isn't. Sucks to be her.) and winner of the "Why are you wearing that, did you lose a bet?" award. Her brother, Mack, is runner up. Annoying, but nowhere near as much so as she could have been. I give props to the developers for that. She's a pretty crappy magic user.
Mack, Kaim's grandson. Also not immortal, and therefore sucky. He uses a sh*tty little disc thing in battle that might as well be a piece of fruitcake for all the good it'll do you. He's given a special kind of magic early on in order to try and trick you, the player, into thinking he might be useful. He isn't. The magic sucks.
Sarah, Kaim's wife, and apparently victor in the arm wrestling tournament before the game that determined who would get a normal name. She joins the party later on, and is a pretty good magic user. She at least gives you a reason to never use Cooke again.
Sed, Seth's son (looks around 80 while she still looks 18. Bet that was an awkward puberty) and winner of the "Why the f*ck didn't you join sooner?!" award. He's got some really good attack power and a kickass gun/axe weapon.
NOW THE SERIOUS STUFF:
Contrary to how I described it, it's actually got great writing and a wonderful story. But where it starts to fall flat is:
GAMEPLAY:
There are random battles. I'm convinced that the guy who programmed this into the game was about to be fired right before the game was finished so he used this as a final "screw all y'all!" to the devs and players. Monsters attack at seemingly random intervals, and it's quite a pain when you have a long way to walk. Luckily, there's a "run" button, or as I like to call it, the "I'm over here, monsters!" button, because you tend to attract more monsters when you run.
While we're on the subject of battles, let me bring up how much I hate them. It's pretty standard turn-based combat, not active time, which gives you all the time you need to choose your moves. Apparently the devs thought that would make it too easy, so they decided to make every enemy extremely cheap. Monsters will get several more turns than you, these little monkey bastards steal your items then run away, giving you no chance to get them back (and you need those items, I'll explain why in a bit), and they all do way too much damage. Plus, there's a level cap of sorts. You can only get up to a certain level in each part of the game. Once you get to that level, each battle gives you about 1xp, and you need 1000 to level up. The game is, of course, specifically designed to let you go up to a level where you do just enough and take just enough damage to make you think you have a chance at winning. You don't.
Still in battles, the biggest flaw has to be the way magic is implemented. The more powerful your spell is, the more time it needs to charge up. This is what I was referring to when I said that you need items. The lower level healing spells give you a lot less hp than what you're losing with each hit, and the higher level ones take too long to be worth casting, because you'll usually die waiting for it to charge (immortal my ass). I firmly believe that, in RPGs, magic or abilities should be handled by either an mp penalty or a time penalty. Never both. Items can be used instantaneously. Your only hope is to grind not for levels, but for money so you can afford as many healing potions as you can carry.
There is a world map, but it's pretty much the same as Final Fantasy X, only you get to use it right away. Though, I guess it's a blessing since I know there would just be more random battles if you got to walk around on the map. Seriously, no more random battles. Are you listening, game developers? Nobody likes them. Nobody. Not even the fanboys. It's not like the system's specs can't handle any more. It doesn't even have camera controls, that means there's less to render in each frame (I think. I'm no techie. I probably have no idea what I'm talking about. It just sounded smart to me.) I think you can put a few f*cking monsters on the g*ddamn screen.
EVERYTHING ELSE:
That all being said and done, it really is a beautiful game. Very detailed, great soundtrack (can't expect anything less from Uematsu), and superb voice acting for the most part. But that's all for aesthetic value really. A game can't hold up if it's all about looks and no depth. It would be like having a meaningful conversation with a cheerleader. Sure, you have something fun to look at, but when you start asking about feelings and she says she likes puppies, you just feel like you're missing something important. Lost Odyssey has plenty of depth. Unfortunately it's cheap as hell. This is especially evident during a certain boss battle against a general and 3 armored tanks. This is also the point where I stopped playing the game. I figure, if you're following a walkthrough of the battle perfectly and you still get your ass kicked in less than 3 turns, something's wrong.
FINAL VERDICT:
If you're patient, in the mood for a good story, and a glutton for punishment, this is your game. If you're like me and would prefer more depth and character development over challenge, I'd recommend:
Tales of Vesperia (360)
Tales of the Abyss (PS2)
The Final Fantasy Series
Anything by BioWare
(I'm not saying these games are easy, but they're definitely more forgiving. Plus most of them have difficulty settings, which I believe is a must in every game.)
Thanks for reading, maybe I'll see you next time.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Nerd, Geek, Dork, GET IT RIGHT!!!
I've been called many things. Retard, faggot, and every other possible synonym for those two come to mind. Now, generally I just shrug stuff like that off. I've been teased all my life, so I'm used to it. But there's one word that will make me stop in my tracks, turn around, and stare at you intensely, breathing heavily for about a minute. That word is "nerd." Don't get me wrong, the implications people make about me with that term are 100% correct. What really bothers me is that seemingly nobody knows how to correctly use the word. The same goes for "geek" and "dork." So I thought I'd lay it down right here and now, so that the next time you want to call me a name (and it will happen), you can at least get it correct.
Now, to start off, let me explain that these three terms are relatively similar. They all refer to a certain form of obsession, or even, if I may be so bold, expertise in a certain field, subject matter, etc. That being said, they're not so similar that confusing the three is acceptable. For a geek to be called a nerd is practically a slap in the face. The same goes for a nerd being called a geek. (A dork doesn't play into this as much. I'll explain why later.) So without further ado, let's begin the analysis with:
NERD:
You're in class, just trying to stay awake or just trying to make sure the professor doesn't notice you playing tetris in the back row. The professor offers a query, naturally related to the subject matter of the class. Instantly, a hand goes up, maybe two or three. The professor picks one of them and they answer quickly and almost officially, as if quoted directly from a book or movie.
Later on, you see this same person in the library or the lounge reading through the class textbook like it's a small novel. Now, this may be an extreme example, but the basic idea is there. A nerd is someone who's obsessed, in one way or another, with things that the rest of us find incredibly boring. Such subjects include math, science, and history, along with others. In fact, if you've ever heard someone described as a "history buff," they're most likely a nerd. The nerd is most likely the one that will end up as your boss. As the great Milhouse said "I'm not a nerd! Nerds are smart."
Truly one of the great minds of our time
If you call a true nerd a nerd: they either won't notice or won't care.
GEEK:
Cosplayers, competitive gamers, film/movie buffs, otaku, WOW players. All these are prime examples of geeks. Remember making fun of the marching band kids in high school? I'll bet you said or heard the words "band geek" on several occasions. I know I did, and I was one of those band geeks. But say what you will about them, they've got a passion for what they do that many of you only dream of.
A geek, by definition that I'm making up on the spot, is a person with an obsession over, or at least a very high interest in, something that's meant purely for entertainment (no, this doesn't include sex, unfortunately). This is the category I fit in. I love video games, I enjoy anime, I think Star Wars is better than Star Trek, I listen to video game music for fun (Donkey Kong Country's "Aquatic Ambience" and Final Fantasy V's "Battle on the Big Bridge" are insanely amazing), and my dream is to become a voice actor in American animation. Yes, I'm a geek, and if you call me a geek, I'll take that as a compliment. A big difference between nerds and geeks is that nerds are usually working towards a goal such as college, an internship, or a good job. A geek is more focused on having fun and enjoying life, without thinking about the future.
Also, while nerd girls can be very attractive, generally it's the geek girls you really want. But make sure you can tell the difference between a true geek girl and a geek chic girl. Geek chic girls generally wear supposedly "geeky" shirts and apparel, but they usually don't know the significance of what they're wearing or they only do it for attention. Let me help you identify them:
This is a real geek girl, study her
Sort of geek chic, beware
Run, run and don't look back
Fun fact: Someone with expertise in the computer field can be called a computer geek or a computer nerd. A computer nerd will get a job fixing or tinkering with computers, but not necessarily because they love computers (Best Buy's "Geek Squad" is an improper use of the term, the show "Chuck" got it right with their knockoff "Nerd Herd"). A computer geek will work with computers simply for the sake of working with them because they just love computers. A computer geek can still get a job in this field, but as long as they do it just for the sake of the computers and not the money, they'll remain a geek. Also, true computer geeks use linux. A nerd can use linux and still be a nerd, but they'll also be part geek for doing so.
DORK:
The average dork is still an enigma to many people. Not because dorks are rare (quite the opposite), but because people still think that dorks, geeks, and nerds are the same. As I've examined earlier, that isn't the case. But "dork" is still the most confused of the three. A dork is generally very annoying. A dork is random. A dork will quote Dane Cook because they genuinely think he's funny.
SAYING UNFUNNY THINGS LOUDLY AND DELIBERATELY MAKES THEM FUNNY!!!
Dorks seem to think they're hilarious, and you don't tell them they're not because they wouldn't listen anyway. A lot of people will openly admit to being a dork. Contrary to how it is with geeks and nerds, most of the time people who admit to being dorks really are dorks. The defining characteristic of dorks is being random. They're all about the little things in life. Dorks love pranks, but not the big time ones, just small, generally unfunny and overused pranks like walking through the drive-thru. A dork is mostly harmless. The only real damage they can do is to your sanity. After doing something stupid like quoting Borat for the 27th time that minute, they'll giggle like hyenas on helium, causing that vein in your forehead to continually bulge until it looks like lightning... LIGHTNING OF HATE!
F**k you.
Fact: Dorks are generally the most sociable of the three. That isn't to say people like them more, because they don't and you know it because you hate them too. Dorks show up at parties uninvited and act like they know everyone there and as if they are the center of attention. Now that I think about it, that kind of sounds familiar. Who do we know that acts like the world revolves around them when in reality they're lucky we haven't executed them ye-
Oh shi-
Now, to start off, let me explain that these three terms are relatively similar. They all refer to a certain form of obsession, or even, if I may be so bold, expertise in a certain field, subject matter, etc. That being said, they're not so similar that confusing the three is acceptable. For a geek to be called a nerd is practically a slap in the face. The same goes for a nerd being called a geek. (A dork doesn't play into this as much. I'll explain why later.) So without further ado, let's begin the analysis with:
NERD:
You're in class, just trying to stay awake or just trying to make sure the professor doesn't notice you playing tetris in the back row. The professor offers a query, naturally related to the subject matter of the class. Instantly, a hand goes up, maybe two or three. The professor picks one of them and they answer quickly and almost officially, as if quoted directly from a book or movie.
Later on, you see this same person in the library or the lounge reading through the class textbook like it's a small novel. Now, this may be an extreme example, but the basic idea is there. A nerd is someone who's obsessed, in one way or another, with things that the rest of us find incredibly boring. Such subjects include math, science, and history, along with others. In fact, if you've ever heard someone described as a "history buff," they're most likely a nerd. The nerd is most likely the one that will end up as your boss. As the great Milhouse said "I'm not a nerd! Nerds are smart."
Truly one of the great minds of our time
If you call a true nerd a nerd: they either won't notice or won't care.
GEEK:
Cosplayers, competitive gamers, film/movie buffs, otaku, WOW players. All these are prime examples of geeks. Remember making fun of the marching band kids in high school? I'll bet you said or heard the words "band geek" on several occasions. I know I did, and I was one of those band geeks. But say what you will about them, they've got a passion for what they do that many of you only dream of.
A geek, by definition that I'm making up on the spot, is a person with an obsession over, or at least a very high interest in, something that's meant purely for entertainment (no, this doesn't include sex, unfortunately). This is the category I fit in. I love video games, I enjoy anime, I think Star Wars is better than Star Trek, I listen to video game music for fun (Donkey Kong Country's "Aquatic Ambience" and Final Fantasy V's "Battle on the Big Bridge" are insanely amazing), and my dream is to become a voice actor in American animation. Yes, I'm a geek, and if you call me a geek, I'll take that as a compliment. A big difference between nerds and geeks is that nerds are usually working towards a goal such as college, an internship, or a good job. A geek is more focused on having fun and enjoying life, without thinking about the future.
Also, while nerd girls can be very attractive, generally it's the geek girls you really want. But make sure you can tell the difference between a true geek girl and a geek chic girl. Geek chic girls generally wear supposedly "geeky" shirts and apparel, but they usually don't know the significance of what they're wearing or they only do it for attention. Let me help you identify them:
This is a real geek girl, study her
Sort of geek chic, beware
Run, run and don't look back
Fun fact: Someone with expertise in the computer field can be called a computer geek or a computer nerd. A computer nerd will get a job fixing or tinkering with computers, but not necessarily because they love computers (Best Buy's "Geek Squad" is an improper use of the term, the show "Chuck" got it right with their knockoff "Nerd Herd"). A computer geek will work with computers simply for the sake of working with them because they just love computers. A computer geek can still get a job in this field, but as long as they do it just for the sake of the computers and not the money, they'll remain a geek. Also, true computer geeks use linux. A nerd can use linux and still be a nerd, but they'll also be part geek for doing so.
DORK:
The average dork is still an enigma to many people. Not because dorks are rare (quite the opposite), but because people still think that dorks, geeks, and nerds are the same. As I've examined earlier, that isn't the case. But "dork" is still the most confused of the three. A dork is generally very annoying. A dork is random. A dork will quote Dane Cook because they genuinely think he's funny.
SAYING UNFUNNY THINGS LOUDLY AND DELIBERATELY MAKES THEM FUNNY!!!
Dorks seem to think they're hilarious, and you don't tell them they're not because they wouldn't listen anyway. A lot of people will openly admit to being a dork. Contrary to how it is with geeks and nerds, most of the time people who admit to being dorks really are dorks. The defining characteristic of dorks is being random. They're all about the little things in life. Dorks love pranks, but not the big time ones, just small, generally unfunny and overused pranks like walking through the drive-thru. A dork is mostly harmless. The only real damage they can do is to your sanity. After doing something stupid like quoting Borat for the 27th time that minute, they'll giggle like hyenas on helium, causing that vein in your forehead to continually bulge until it looks like lightning... LIGHTNING OF HATE!
F**k you.
Fact: Dorks are generally the most sociable of the three. That isn't to say people like them more, because they don't and you know it because you hate them too. Dorks show up at parties uninvited and act like they know everyone there and as if they are the center of attention. Now that I think about it, that kind of sounds familiar. Who do we know that acts like the world revolves around them when in reality they're lucky we haven't executed them ye-
Oh shi-
Thursday, May 27, 2010
6 People That Make College 50x Less Bearable
1. The "hot" girl
I put "hot" in quotes because she is not hot. She is big, very big, and she *thinks* she's hot. Trust me, sweetheart. None of us want to see you in short shorts and a tank top. There's a weight limit for those kinds of things for a reason. If your legs look like two fresh tubes of toothpaste (cap included) when wearing those things, you are not the targeted demographic. Put your sweatpants and hoodies back on so the rest of us can regain our appetites. I'm not being mean, I'm being considerate. I'm a big guy, but I don't go around dressed like a male stripper. I dress like a big guy. So please, dress your age, and dress your weight. And guys, the tight jeans belong on one gender and one gender alone. Here's a hint, it's not you.
2. The coffee guy
It's always a guy, and he's always a piece of sh*t. You know the type. Every day, without fail, he shows up at least 15 minutes late with a coffee and danish in hand from the friendly neighborhood Stardicks. I call it Stardicks because Stardouches doesn't have as nice a ring to it. This is the guy to whom grades don't matter because he hasmoney rich parents. So he can show up late, annoying the piss out of everyone in the process because he also has to go to the opposite side of the room and sit in the very back row while bypassing 7 open seats on the way there. It's good to know he has his priorities straight.
3. Generic douchebags
The coffee guy is actually a part of this category, but he still deserved his own section. The generic douchebag is characterized by non-prescription glasses, t-shirts sporting "ironic" statements, a scarf, and a fake fedora. Let's examine this specimen. First, the glasses. Let me state the fact that these people are all about "irony" (in quotes, because most of them wouldn't know irony if it shot them in the ass with a pistol that actually heals you). They don't need glasses, but they bought some from a dollar store anyway. See? Irony! Oh how witty.
Next, the t-shirt with phrases like "Ironic hipster shirt." Which translates to "I'm too retarded to think up something witty, so I'll just say 'something witty.'" Irony!
Oh, you thought I was kidding?
Finally, the fake fedora. This is an example of something formerly awesome being douchebaggenated. Remember watching those old classic movies with Humphrey Bogart or listening to some Frank Sinatra? Back in the days of doo-wop and stupid families (see; Leave it to Beaver), people who wore fedoras were respected and cool. It stayed that way for many decades. Then Michael Jackson came along. He made good music and looked good doing it, but his signature hat marked the downfall of the fedora. Since then, it just kept getting worse. The fedora transformed from a solid piece of headgear into a flimsy, weak statement of just how much you want people to hate you.
4. The rock star
The earbuds never leave the ears. The head never stops bobbing. The mouth never shuts the **** up. Even as I'm writing this, there is a rock star across from me. They have somehow gotten it into their spiky heads that people actually want to hear the whiny emo kid garbage they call music. I'll describe the one in front of me. Don't worry, he won't get mad or anything. Why would he bother noticing me? I'm not important. I'm not him. So he sits there, seemingly trying to write a paper. Now a normal person would be writing, concentrating on the paper. But no, this gem of modern society can't keep his head still enough to write anything, so he just sits there, pretending to read a blank page, moving his hands around as if he's trying to do a karate chop but keeps forgetting how just as he begins. Then comes the singing. The wretched, tone deaf, not-even-good-enough-for-American-Idol singing that sounds to this bundle of talent like Sarah Brightman at Carnegie Hall, but sounds to everyone else like Danny DeVito eating a diseased howler monkey. Get over yourself. You're not talented, you never will be. Now go back to your job as a Cheesecake Factory busboy and cry about it.
5. The mom
Contrary to the title, the mom can be of either gender. The mom is the way too nice and way too talkative person you see in every class. They talk to the professor on the first day as if they're best friends even though they've never met. They have to interject a story of something they, their kids, or their kids' kids did into every discussion, no matter how little it has to do with the subject matter (spoiler alert: NONE). They will also lengthen the class as much as they can with their stories and their unending questions. When there's a mom in the class, the last words you want to hear from the professor are "Any questions before we wrap it up for today?" To a mom, those words translate to "Ask me about something that doesn't matter." Besides all that, they're just way too nice. So you can't hate them. Well, I can. But someone with a soul can't.
6. The lurker
Sorry, you know I had to.
You're sitting in the lobby, lounge, or whatever. You have your laptop or your ipod with you and your headphones in. The room is full of other people like you, just enjoying the quiet relaxation between classes. All of a sudden, out of the corner of your eye, you see someone. That's fine. Then you notice they look lost. Not fine. Statistics say that this lost soul will 11 times out of 10 come straight to you, even though you're the only one in the room with headphones, and just stare at you until you acknowledge their pathetic existence and answer their idiotic questions about if they're in the right building (100% of the time, the will be in the wrong building. 75% of the time, the right building is in another state.)
And no, you can't just ignore them. They will never go away. But never fear, I'm here to help. First off, before you settle in to your spot, look for a door that looks like it leads somewhere. Memorize which direction it's in. Then, when some social reject comes anywhere near you to ask directions (if you're at Cleveland State, you'll know when you see them, because they're always either Indian, old, or both. That's not profiling or prejudiced, that's cold hard fact) just point in that direction without even looking up. They'll assume that they weren't the first person to ask you, so they'll believe you and go away immediately. Works every time. Have fun walking through that construction site you worm.
I put "hot" in quotes because she is not hot. She is big, very big, and she *thinks* she's hot. Trust me, sweetheart. None of us want to see you in short shorts and a tank top. There's a weight limit for those kinds of things for a reason. If your legs look like two fresh tubes of toothpaste (cap included) when wearing those things, you are not the targeted demographic. Put your sweatpants and hoodies back on so the rest of us can regain our appetites. I'm not being mean, I'm being considerate. I'm a big guy, but I don't go around dressed like a male stripper. I dress like a big guy. So please, dress your age, and dress your weight. And guys, the tight jeans belong on one gender and one gender alone. Here's a hint, it's not you.
2. The coffee guy
It's always a guy, and he's always a piece of sh*t. You know the type. Every day, without fail, he shows up at least 15 minutes late with a coffee and danish in hand from the friendly neighborhood Stardicks. I call it Stardicks because Stardouches doesn't have as nice a ring to it. This is the guy to whom grades don't matter because he has
3. Generic douchebags
The coffee guy is actually a part of this category, but he still deserved his own section. The generic douchebag is characterized by non-prescription glasses, t-shirts sporting "ironic" statements, a scarf, and a fake fedora. Let's examine this specimen. First, the glasses. Let me state the fact that these people are all about "irony" (in quotes, because most of them wouldn't know irony if it shot them in the ass with a pistol that actually heals you). They don't need glasses, but they bought some from a dollar store anyway. See? Irony! Oh how witty.
Next, the t-shirt with phrases like "Ironic hipster shirt." Which translates to "I'm too retarded to think up something witty, so I'll just say 'something witty.'" Irony!
Oh, you thought I was kidding?
Finally, the fake fedora. This is an example of something formerly awesome being douchebaggenated. Remember watching those old classic movies with Humphrey Bogart or listening to some Frank Sinatra? Back in the days of doo-wop and stupid families (see; Leave it to Beaver), people who wore fedoras were respected and cool. It stayed that way for many decades. Then Michael Jackson came along. He made good music and looked good doing it, but his signature hat marked the downfall of the fedora. Since then, it just kept getting worse. The fedora transformed from a solid piece of headgear into a flimsy, weak statement of just how much you want people to hate you.
4. The rock star
The earbuds never leave the ears. The head never stops bobbing. The mouth never shuts the **** up. Even as I'm writing this, there is a rock star across from me. They have somehow gotten it into their spiky heads that people actually want to hear the whiny emo kid garbage they call music. I'll describe the one in front of me. Don't worry, he won't get mad or anything. Why would he bother noticing me? I'm not important. I'm not him. So he sits there, seemingly trying to write a paper. Now a normal person would be writing, concentrating on the paper. But no, this gem of modern society can't keep his head still enough to write anything, so he just sits there, pretending to read a blank page, moving his hands around as if he's trying to do a karate chop but keeps forgetting how just as he begins. Then comes the singing. The wretched, tone deaf, not-even-good-enough-for-American-Idol singing that sounds to this bundle of talent like Sarah Brightman at Carnegie Hall, but sounds to everyone else like Danny DeVito eating a diseased howler monkey. Get over yourself. You're not talented, you never will be. Now go back to your job as a Cheesecake Factory busboy and cry about it.
5. The mom
Contrary to the title, the mom can be of either gender. The mom is the way too nice and way too talkative person you see in every class. They talk to the professor on the first day as if they're best friends even though they've never met. They have to interject a story of something they, their kids, or their kids' kids did into every discussion, no matter how little it has to do with the subject matter (spoiler alert: NONE). They will also lengthen the class as much as they can with their stories and their unending questions. When there's a mom in the class, the last words you want to hear from the professor are "Any questions before we wrap it up for today?" To a mom, those words translate to "Ask me about something that doesn't matter." Besides all that, they're just way too nice. So you can't hate them. Well, I can. But someone with a soul can't.
6. The lurker
Sorry, you know I had to.
You're sitting in the lobby, lounge, or whatever. You have your laptop or your ipod with you and your headphones in. The room is full of other people like you, just enjoying the quiet relaxation between classes. All of a sudden, out of the corner of your eye, you see someone. That's fine. Then you notice they look lost. Not fine. Statistics say that this lost soul will 11 times out of 10 come straight to you, even though you're the only one in the room with headphones, and just stare at you until you acknowledge their pathetic existence and answer their idiotic questions about if they're in the right building (100% of the time, the will be in the wrong building. 75% of the time, the right building is in another state.)
And no, you can't just ignore them. They will never go away. But never fear, I'm here to help. First off, before you settle in to your spot, look for a door that looks like it leads somewhere. Memorize which direction it's in. Then, when some social reject comes anywhere near you to ask directions (if you're at Cleveland State, you'll know when you see them, because they're always either Indian, old, or both. That's not profiling or prejudiced, that's cold hard fact) just point in that direction without even looking up. They'll assume that they weren't the first person to ask you, so they'll believe you and go away immediately. Works every time. Have fun walking through that construction site you worm.
Introductory Fart Jokes
You ever fart so hard grandpa hits the deck?
It's usually very difficult to blame your fart on someone else, unless you're in a nursing home.
You know you just had a really good fart when your buddy tries to claim it.
Women are lucky. You can let out a little bitty fart and everyone thinks it's cute. When a guy lets out a little bitty fart, his friends call him a pussy.
There are already methane powered cars. But if someone makes a fart powered car, you can bet that Taco Bell stocks will skyrocket.
Why is it that nobody cares if you pee in the pool, but if one person farts the entire place empties?
Some people consider thunder to be god's fart. If that's true, aren't meteorites god taking a dump?
Aaaaand that's all I got.
ConVito
It's usually very difficult to blame your fart on someone else, unless you're in a nursing home.
You know you just had a really good fart when your buddy tries to claim it.
Women are lucky. You can let out a little bitty fart and everyone thinks it's cute. When a guy lets out a little bitty fart, his friends call him a pussy.
There are already methane powered cars. But if someone makes a fart powered car, you can bet that Taco Bell stocks will skyrocket.
Why is it that nobody cares if you pee in the pool, but if one person farts the entire place empties?
Some people consider thunder to be god's fart. If that's true, aren't meteorites god taking a dump?
Aaaaand that's all I got.
ConVito
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